When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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