U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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