I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
