He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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