I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
