Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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