even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
