someone threw a dead crab at me
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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