had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
