Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Never underestimate the power of titties
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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