Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
