I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
