He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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