So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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