Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sorry about my life...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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