Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
