p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
