Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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