I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
