I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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