Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
