....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
