If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
