I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
