i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
