I wish I could teleport
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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