How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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