While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize