Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
