3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
