So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's official drugs can't kill me
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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