the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize