Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
