the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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