FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
