i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
