Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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