does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
