My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
