I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
