He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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