oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think my moral compass just broke
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