I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
