I want to make a zoo with you.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
