So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
