some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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