I'm lost and stupid without you.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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