Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
