The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So much Jack, so little girl.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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