I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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