Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
