I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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