Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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