Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
