I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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