So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
