Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
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