I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
