and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
