I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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