i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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