I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
